It’s My Birthday, No Fanfare Please

It’s my birthday today, no fanfare required, it’s ok, it’s not a big one.

It’s quiet, the rain is pattering on my window, and on the concrete outside, watering my grateful garden. And cars make that swooshing noise as they drive over the wet tarmac outside.

I’m in bed reading, with tea. I can never start the day without tea. Last night I dreamt I was still at university with a couple of my school friends, we had done second degrees and here we were only just graduating in to the world at 34. Though I had forgotten to take all of my modules, so I wasn’t sure what I was graduating in. I think it was something to do with animals. At the same time as graduating, I dreamt I had forgotten to go to therapy (which did keep happening at the beginning as I wasn’t used to going). I dreamt I couldn’t get hold of my therapist on Skype, but when I did she had just been sat there, in her room, waiting for me this whole time. (She also actually did this when I had forgotten, and I would dash in embarrassingly late).

Well I’m not late to therapy any more, that part of my routine is ingrained in me now. I’ll be logging on to Skype soon and I’ll tell her for about the third time that it is my birthday today, I’ve made her aware at every recent session leading up to the Big Day. I’ll reflect on the past year, past years, look to the future, what’s to come, what I hope is to come.

It feels odd to celebrate a birthday, a milestone, in what has been the most time-warped period of life that I, and everyone else, has ever experienced. Looking to the future where more than ever nothing feels concrete or certain. But I suppose it never was even before a pandemic.

Plans have been carved up into small little groups as I try and see my nearest and dearest over the coming weekend.

It’s my birthday today, and ok go on then, just a little bit of fanfare please.

Post Script: My therapist did not wish me a happy birthday.